Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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