He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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