Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
