You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
