I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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