I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
