My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
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