its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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