I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
