The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
