That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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