dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
