After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
