Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
