Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
