At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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