I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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