Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
