I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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