forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
