he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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