What did we do last night that was yellow?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
