apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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