I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
