I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
