Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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