Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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