life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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