Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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