Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
