I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
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So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
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im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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