hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
