tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
