Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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