There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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