plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Randomize
