I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
