I can't watch pbs sober anymore
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
