Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
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I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
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If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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