Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
It's official drugs can't kill me
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Randomize
