dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
