Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
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