so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
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Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
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We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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