If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
