I hate all girls vehemently.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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