How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
