I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Watching her eat just hurts me
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
