Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
My legs feel like baby dolphins
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
