hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
