Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
