epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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