i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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