I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
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Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
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A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
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