Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
