Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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