I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
