i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
