you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
