just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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